no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
