it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
