woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
no more duck duck goose at the bar
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
