He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
