I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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