Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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