i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
