: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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