So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
