I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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