I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
