it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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