Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
