It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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