He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
