I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
