The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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