and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
