More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Randomize
