i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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