I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
