Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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