My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
