Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I believe in your delicious
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
