I'm laying in your front yard are you home
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
