If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
