oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
