there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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