i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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