ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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