My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
