honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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