She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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