i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
