I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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