What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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