Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
