If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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