Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
