it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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