I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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