I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
