Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
