Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
