So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
