threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
