The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
