you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
