In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just found a bag of teeth...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
