okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
