Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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