sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
